I'm Voting Republican

I am voting Republican because we don’t like shopping at small neighborhood stores. We don’t want the problem of choosing where to shop. And we just love cheap plastic crap from China.

I’m voting Republican because I don’t really want a cure for AIDS or for breast cancer. (They are just gays and women.)

I’m voting Republican because I think new drugs should be made available immediately whether they’ve been tested properly or not. If the major pharmaceutical companies’ bottom lines are healthy, then I feel healthy too.I’m voting Republican so that my little Caitlin can be in a classroom with at least 30 other children. That way she can be challenged by fighting for attention.

I’m voting Republican because women just can’t be trusted to make decisions about their own bodies. Never. Ever. Ever.

I’m voting Republican because I’ve already seen the great outdoors. Continuing our use of fossil fuels freely is far more important than preserving our natural wildlands.

We’re voting Republican because we like a conservative majority on the Supreme Court. We really like knowing that even if we’re separate, we’ll still be called equal.

I’m voting Republican because I need to be told who I can love. I need the government to tell me. I need them to tell me how I can best show a lifetime commitment. And Republicans are just the folks to do that.

I’m voting Republican because corporations should not have to pay to clean up environmental damage. The EPA is an outmoded idea. If people want clean water, buy it in a bottle.

I’m voting Republican because I don’t want to know if the food I am eating has been genetically modified or exposed to radiation. I don’t want to have to live with that fear, you know? So if the label says it’s food, that’s good enough for me.

I’m voting Republican because I really enjoy being screwed by the utility companies.

Because we need more minorities in prison.

Because hybrid cars really suck.

Because I just don’t feel like I deserve health insurance.

Because Texas needs more billionaires.

I’m voting Republican because sometimes the constitution is just one big inconvenient headache.

I think the whole world should be run by one big corporation. I think it would be so much cozier.

Because all other countries are in fear to us. We should start as many wars as we need to keep it that way.

So I can stay in Iraq.

So I can go to Iran.

So if you’re thinking about voting something besides Republican, don’t bother. Stay home. We’ve got it all taken care of. You’ll get exactly what you deserve.