I Demand Satisfaction! (Instead, I get lunacy.)

The Fort Bend County Republican party is seriously embarrassing itself these days, but apparently the closet where they hide their shame is full of… well, you know. They just keep the press releases rolling.

This article on FortBendNow outlines the latest act of self-abasement/comedy staged by the theatrical geniuses of the local GOP. I thought Gary Gillen's petulant resignation and subsequent hissy-fits were about as much fun as the county could handle, but it turns out, the new crop of GOP hopefuls is just as childish.

The story takes a little explanation, but I think it will help if you use the following visual aid:

Anyway, I'll try to keep this long story short: The article on FortBendNow says that when ex-chairman Gary Gillen wrote refund checks to advertisers (without authorization) in that infamous GOP Newsletter which he withheld, he did not refund the ads bought by the Rick Miller campaign. Miller is running for Gillen's old position of Republican Party Chairman, which apparently made Gary cry in front of a bunch of rich old ladies at Falcon Point Country Club.

Miller's staff immediately and publicly accused Gillen of stealing their binkie. (Oops! I mean money.) Then Gillen's staff produced an email from Miller's treasurer, Lynda Mixon, in which Mixon says that the check should not be cashed, because she wrote a bad check.

Okay, okay. I've overdrawn my bank account. These things happen. However, that's not what happened over at the Miller campaign. Ms. Mixon wrote a campaign check from a canceled bank account. She explains, "She had initially set up two bank accounts for Miller’s campaign, to keep separate records on any corporate contributions to the campaign. But then she learned that the [candidate for] county party chairman can’t accept corporate contributions... Later, she said, she accidentally took the wrong checkbook with her."

Mixon says it was obviously malicious not to refund the money, because although it may have been unclear, her email was actually talking about a different check.

Look, folks. Gary Gillen is acting like a horse's patoot, mostly because he is one. There’s a fair enough chance that he did keep the money out of spite, but Miller/Mixon's explanation of the mess just points to their own shocking ineptitude. (Well, okay, if they weren’t Republicans it would be shocking.)

Just for starters, when you’re a candidate who hopes to manage the affairs of the party, your campaign treasurer really ought to know from whom you can and cannot accept money. Sure, there’s a learning curve, but get those ducks in a row before you begin doing bank business. I’m almost surprised she didn’t open two more accounts for Indian casino money and donations from Libyan gun-runners.

Also, a treasurer really ought to be able to keep her checkbooks in order. She really ought to be able to write an articulate email regarding campaign funds and expenditures. I mean, heck, I can write hot checks and incoherent emails.

An hour after the article went up, the comment section of FBN suffered a mild explosion of activity -- which was really quite a feat, considering the volume of Republican nonsense going on these days. The Hand Center has surely had a sudden influx of ornery Carpal-Tunnel patients recently.

Liz Mitton and Bev Carter half-heartedly exchanged exhausted jabs, much to the delight of Man-E-Faces Chris Calvin. Someone managed to blame the fiasco on Gary's old treasurer, Richard McCarter. The words "God, Guns, and Gays" were spoken and argued over, self-help books were prescribed, and someone even had the audacity to call themselves an adult.

All of this wild and public ridiculousness makes me wonder if Republican elected officials in Fort Bend County are really so well funded by corporate donors and special interest groups that they couldn’t care less about the actions of their local party leaders. That is the only explanation I can figure for letting your party structure become an embarrassing joke because a couple of nincompoops can’t straighten out their finances.

If this is the case, it points to the serious need for campaign finance reform, if only to keep this bunch of monkeys from publicly humiliating themselves any further. Watching their misguided supporters fight it out in the public arena makes me long for the days of the pistol duel, if only so I could see Ms. Carter slap Ms. Mitton with a lamb-skin glove.